i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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