I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize
