I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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