Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
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