I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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