good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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