No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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