Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
