so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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