my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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