I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
