the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
