apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
