I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
