The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
