I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
