So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
this beer tastes like vomit already
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
