I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
