Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Randomize
