Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
