Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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