true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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