I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
