if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I don't deserve a penis
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
