theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
