he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
