the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize