I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
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