i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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