It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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