i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
