Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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