I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
