Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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