My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You were trust falling into bushes
Randomize