Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
