I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
