When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
