She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
