You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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