He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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