Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
