Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
