Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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