I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
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