After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
