I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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