I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
