i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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