you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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