What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
