Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
