just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
