You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
