apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
