Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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