Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
i now understand why vodka
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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