My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
