C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
how does that bad decision feel?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
