one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
