I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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