i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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